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My big night out: I was hungover and locked in an apartment. The only escape? A high, narrow window ledge

It was 1995, and I had spent the evening carousing and drinking neat vodka. Now I was trapped in a friend’s flat in Paris, with no phone – and he had flown to New York

Winter 1995: I wake to the sound of a vacuum cleaner repeatedly striking the door near my head. I’m in a small bed in a tiny room. Wherever I am, I’m hungover.

I remember: I’m in Paris, after a big night out. Just the one night – I’d arrived on the Eurostar the previous afternoon with a friend. We’d gone out for drinks, then to a cool restaurant, then somewhere to drink more. The rest was blurry, but we ended up back at this apartment – owned by the company my friend worked for – drinking neat vodka until my friend remembered he was catching an early plane to New York.

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© Illustration: Mark Long/The Guardian

© Illustration: Mark Long/The Guardian

© Illustration: Mark Long/The Guardian

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Tim Dowling: my wife needs to go to bed. According to the dog

The dog used to be dependent on us for everything. But since graduating from dog school the tables have started to turn

It’s a cold winter night, and my wife and I are alone in the house, binge-watching some new series. I was transfixed by episode one, and gripped by episode two, but midway through episode three I have started to look at my phone, and as a consequence I’ve lost track of the plot. I have an idea what’s going on, but it’s not the right idea.

“So hang on,” my wife says. “Was that just the dead guy? Meaning he’s not dead?”

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© Illustration: Selman Hosgor/The Guardian

© Illustration: Selman Hosgor/The Guardian

© Illustration: Selman Hosgor/The Guardian

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