It shouldn’t be hard to lure them into my spaceship. I’d just have to tell them it was hosting a multimillion-dollar wedding party

Thoughts and prayers to the thousands of Norwegians who have just had one of the best weekends of their lives, followed by one hell of a comedown. Thanks to a currency conversion snafu by the state lottery operator, numerous people were incorrectly informed on Friday that they had won life-changing amounts of money in the Eurojackpot. On Monday, a text message was sent to players informing them of the mix-up.

It seems Norwegians are a prudent bunch; I haven’t found any examples of people spending Jeff Bezos-levels of money as soon as they were told they had won big. Me? I would have gone into evil billionaire mode immediately.

From the Maga crowd to Nato’s secretary general, everyone is addressing the president of the US as if he was their actual father. Make it stop!

Is your name Barron, Donald Jr, Eric, Ivanka or Tiffany Trump? No? Then I regret to inform you that President Donald John Trump is almost certainly not your daddy. I say “almost certainly” because narcissistic billionaires do have a nasty habit of spawning willy-nilly. Just look at Elon Musk and Pavel Durov – the latter is the Telegram founder, who has more than 100 children in 12 countries via sperm donation.

Still, unless you are a very high-IQ individual, with an orange glow, an insatiable appetite for money-making schemes, and a weird belief that you invented the word “caravan”, I think it’s safe to say that you’re probably not Trump’s offspring.

True or not, people find it all too easy to believe that a humorous picture of the vice-president could get you barred from the US

I have a very important public service announcement to make. Do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, make fun of Vice-President JD Vance by sharing one of the millions of unflattering memes dedicated to him. Don’t you dare chuckle at the images of him looking like the “lollipop kid” in Shrek (the resemblance is uncanny) or a chicken nugget. And, whatever you do, do not share the meme that you can find here, where he looks like a big bald baby. You risk hurting the poor man’s feelings and, also, you might get kicked out of the country.