Over the years, first as a PhD student and now as a postdoc, I have been approached by many students and early-career academics who have confided their problems with me. Their issues, which they struggled to deal with alone, ranged from anxiety and burnout to personal and professional relationships as well as mental-health concerns. Sadly, such discussions were not one-off incidents but seemed worryingly common in academia where people are often under pressure to perform, face uncertainty over their careers and need to juggle lots of different tasks simultaneously.
But it can be challenging to even begin to approach someone else with a problem. That first step can take days or weeks of mental preparation, so to those who are approached for help, it is our responsibility to listen and act appropriately when someone does finally open up. This is especially so given that a supervisor, mentor, teaching assistant, or anybody in a position of seniority, may be the first point of contact when a difficulty becomes debilitating.
I am fortunate to have had excellent relationships with my PhD and postdoc supervisors – providing great examples to follow. Even then, however, it was difficult to subdue the feeling of nausea when I knocked on their office doors to have a difficult conversation. I was worried about their response and reaction and how they would judge me. While that first conversation is challenging for both parties, fortunately it does gets easier from there.
Yet it can also be hard for the person who is trying to offer help, especially if they haven’t done so before. In fact, when colleagues began to confide in me, I’d had no formal preparation or training to support them. But through experience and some research, I found a few things that worked well in such complex situations. The first is to set and maintain boundaries or where your personal limits lie. This includes which topics are off limits and to what extent you will engage with somebody. Someone who has recently experienced bereavement, for example, may not want to engage deeply with a student who is enduring the same and so should make it clear they can’t offer help. Yet at the same time, that person may feel confident providing support for someone struggling with imposter syndrome – a feeling that you don’t deserve to be there and aren’t good at your work.
Time restrictions can also be used as boundaries. If you are working on a critical experiment, have an article deadline or are about to go on holiday, explain that you can only help them until a certain point, after which you will explore alternative solutions together. Setting boundaries can also be handy for mentors to prepare to help someone struggling. This could involve taking a mental-health first-aid course to support a person who experiences panic attacks or is relapsing into depression. It could also mean finding contact details for professionals, either on campus or beyond, who could help. While providing such information might sound trivial and unimportant, remember that for a person who is feeling overwhelmed, it can be hugely appreciated.
Following up
Sharing problems takes courage. It also requires trust because if information leaks out, rumours and accusations can spread quickly and worsen situations. It is, however, possible to ask more senior colleagues for advice without identifying anyone or their exact circumstances, perhaps in cases when dealing with less than amicable relationships with collaborators. It is also possible to let colleagues know that a particular person needs more support without explicitly saying why.
There are times, however, when that confidentiality must be broken. In my experience, this should always be first addressed with the person at hand and broken to somebody who is sure to have a concrete solution. For a student who is struggling with a particular subject, it could, for example, be the lecturer responsible for that course. For somebody not coping with divorce, say, it could be someone from HR or a supervisor for a colleague. It could even be a university’s support team or the police for a student who has experienced sexual assault.
Even if the situation has been handed over to someone else, it’s important to follow up with the person struggling, which helps them know they’re being heard and respected
I have broken confidentiality at times and it can be nerve-wracking, but it is essential to provide the best possible support and take a situation that you cannot handle off your hands. Even if the issue has been handed over to someone else, it’s important to follow up with the person struggling, which helps them know they’re being heard and respected. Following up is not always a comfortable conversation, potentially invoking trauma or broaching sensitive topics. But it also allows them to admit that they are still looking for more support or that their situation has worsened.
A follow-up conversation could also be held in a discrete environment with reassurance that nobody is obliged to go into detail. It may be as simple as asking “How are you feeling today?”. Letting someone express themselves without judgement can help them come to terms with their situation, let them speak or have confidence to approach you again.
Regularly reflecting on your boundaries and limits as well as having a good knowledge of possible resources can help you prepare for unexpected circumstances. It gives students and colleagues immediate care and relief at what might be their lowest point. But perhaps the most important aspect when approached by someone is to ask yourself this: “What kind of person would I want to speak to if I were struggling?”. That is the person you want to be.
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