Am I just too fussy or too old? Either way I’m not cut out for a life in the wilderness

I don’t really want to run away from everything. But I’m disappointed to realise I’m no longer able to do so anyway. We all have the instinct for fight or flight. Fleeing civilisation to try your luck in the wild is the most extreme expression of the second option. Somewhere, deep down, we’re hardwired with the false security of this last resort. Or perhaps it’s just me. Either way, I’ve reached the sad conclusion that, in my case, it’s not possible.

I started thinking through how I’d do it. Right, I’m off, I decided, hypothetically. Hmm, what to take with me? Well, there’s my eyesight to consider. Just take my specs, or some contact lenses, too? I’ve only three weeks’ worth. How do myopic soldiers manage behind enemy lines? There must be a way.

Just one antisocial fellow traveller can ruin a journey. Is it a giant two-fingered gesture to the rest of the world?

Some time in the early years of the last decade, a friend and I travelled by train from London to Barcelona, where we would be covering a football match for work. We had a very nice day, playing Scrabble and drinking train wine as we sped south. The only problem was that a kid near us, not 10 years old, was watching a cartoon or playing a game on an iPad without the benefit of headphones. The sound wasn’t so much loud as persistent. Slowly but surely it drilled its way into our skulls and started to eat into our souls. I shot the family a couple of glances but got a look back which managed to communicate two things. Firstly that they were sorry. Secondly that if they took the iPad off the kid, we’d all be sorry. So, on he went. And an otherwise perfectly pleasurable journey started to drag.

Then I had an idea. I got my headphones out of my bag, caught the mother’s eye, and handed them over. After a bit of faff they were connected to the iPad, the wretched noise ceased and I got a round of applause from men, women and children of many nations. I relate this story even though I never think it’s a good look to be the hero of your own anecdotes. My excuse is that the incident reminds me of how rare such behaviour was back then. Yes, people were known to yak away too loudly on their phones, but whoever they were talking at remained a stranger to us. And if anyone was watching or listening to something, they’d be using headphones. True, a bit of tinny noise would occasionally leak out, which was annoying, but that was about as bad as things got.

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