• Champions League playoffs: Bayern to face Celtic
• Ten things to look out for this weekend | Mail Yara

Uefa are still preambling. I have learned that one side of the draw will be silver and the other side will be blue.

Uefa are going big on the preambles here, so I’ve got time to remind you of the basic rules. There are eight seeded teams and eight unseeded teams. The two seeded teams with the highest league finish will be drawn against the two unseeded teams with the lowest league finish and so on, until everyone’s paired up. So Atalanta will play Sporting or Brugge, and Borussia Dortmund will play the other one, while PSG will play Monaco or Brest and Benfica will get the other one. You can play teams from your own country, and teams you played in the group. Got it? Great.

Trying to keep across 29 hours’ worth of football was not just akin to substance abuse but a cause of fear and panic

Raspberry Beret by Prince, Stayin’ Alive by the Bee Gees, American Pie by Don McLean, All I Want is You by U2, the theme tune to Sesame Street: these are all in their different ways excellent pieces of music. But as part of playlists broadcast without end and at high volume, all have been used by the US army in psychological warfare – demonstrating that too much of a good thing is not only possible but, at extreme levels, absolutely excruciating. Watching the manic conclusion to the Champions League group stage on Wednesday brought those playlists to mind, as I debated whether I was being entertained or encouraged to run screaming from my house.

The trend in sport for many years has been to make competitions bigger, longer, more drawn out, and at first the new 36-team Champions League format felt like another step on this tiresome journey. But the widely acknowledged need for the final games of a group stage to be played at the same time forced tournament organisers into a temporary swerve in a very different direction. If you watched the final round of fixtures traditionally, soberly, one game at a time, even without breaks or pauses it would take you one entire day and five additional hours, including stoppage time.